is it just me?

24/04/09

Is it so bad to want something so much that all other things in your life end up having not as much meaning. I kind of feel guilty about it, but should I? All I can think about now is getting back or at least saving money to get back to London. I left there kind of thinking or hoping I would be back as soon as I could, but after being back in South Africa I slowly started to realise it wasn't easy any more and I was going to have to work hard to get back. They stopped working holiday visas for South Africans. Which was my ticket back in. So now I have to find other ways, other visas or anything really to get what I want. But no matter what, I need money to do it. I came back with no money, I feel embarrassed as one of my missions was not only to travel but to save some money :(. But deep down I don't really feel bad about it cos it was worth having a good two years there than sitting at home not doing anything and hating it.

Thinking now how sad I was about leaving. Not only about leaving London, but leaving my friends who were like my family over there. Lau being my best friend was I think the most heart breaking to say goodbye to. We became such close friends and I miss her everyday more than you know. Don't get me wrong I miss all my friends. But Lau is my "sister". I remember at the airport saying bye to her crushed me. Every one must have thought we were blubbering idiots ...bawling our eyes out :)and when I left (after like half an hour of hugging :) I looked back tears still filled my eyes and something inside me knew....something deep down knew it would be a while before I saw her, my friends and London again.(but I also knew that I would, def see her and my other friends again no matter what it just might take sometime)
Anyway...thank god for facebook right?... :) I still get to keep in touch and get to see what I'm missing...not good at times I might add.... but I still feel connected to everyone at least.
I think the only thing that upsets me as well as makes me happy, is seeing the photos. I used to be there so that makes me sad that I'm not in the photos (memories) anymore.........

It's been said that the saddest thing a man/woman will ever face is what might have been. But what if the person is faced with what was, or what may never be or what can no longer be. Choosing the right path is never easy. It's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. I feel I belong back there....even if it's only at this point in my life.
Wednesday was voting day in South Africa, lucky for me i was off of work...so nice. didnt do much at home(didnt vote either i might add, didnt register so i couldnt vote.... bad of me i know)anyway i wonder how this country will turn out...even though my family is here i can't see myself settling here for good....it just for the moment...im saving money every month and that will be it for me...at least for a while.
anyway hope you have a good rest of you day
kisses xoxox
Carla